Life Happens

So, my 90 day writing project did a little faceplant. And that’s ok. I may try to regroup. I may not. I will continue my experiments honestly and learn along the way.

Go me!!


Sunday Night Blues

The weekend is such a blessing. Rest. Recuperation. But facing a Monday morning always puts me in such a funk.

Silly, really. It’s all in my mind. I know this. Thoughts are choices. Or entertaining a particular thought is a choice. They come, they go – it’s up to us to watch them or latch on to them – taking them on as an identity.

I watched Grey’s anatomy and as always it was wonderful and horrible. Shonda Rhimes is a phenomenal writer. I get stuck in her stories – or they get stuck in me. That’s a definite skill.

Anyhoo – there’s probably a lot I could dig in and write, but I’m just putting in my time tonight. The 90 days thing is going to be rough, boring, and probably not worth the reading, but I’m putting words to page. Maybe somewhere in here I will find my voice. My different perspective. My only Lundie view of things. Not that it’s worth reading, but maybe, just maybe it’s worth me writing.

Take care.

Finding my own

pile-of-wordsNon-sequitur thoughts for today. I’m finally feeling the difference between confidence and pride. Pride is not something to be afraid of. It’s avoidable. Feeling good about myself, about my choices is not evil.

Weird day. FB memories reminded me that 7 years ago today I discovered I was going to miscarry. I remember standing in the roundabout having just come from my sonogram, crying, telling my mom about it. It feels weird. I am sad that it happened. We really did want a second child. But I have not had a whole bunch of grief over it. I suppose it affects people differently. I wasn’t that far along, so I didn’t really have time to settle into the idea. I think it was harder because we’d told people about the pregnancy, and so it was breaking the news to everyone else that make it harder.

In conversation today I came to the realization that I’ve had some pretty cool “ah-ha” moments in the past couple of weeks. I realized, as I was shopping with my niece for her xc running clothes, that for the first time I could stand in an athletics store clothing section and not feel like a fish out of water. I wasn’t about to buy running gear, but I realized I could be a runner if I wanted to. Nobody has any say about what I do to move my body. The “should” no longer has any impact on me. This is about me doing what I want to do.

I can’t tell you how much fun that is to express and allow myself to mean it. I can do whatever I want to do. It’s ok for me to do what I want. Wanting to do something is an expression of who I am, not a surrender to sinfulness. How I ever got that screwed up, I don’t know. But I am happy to say today that I’m walking away from it. Self expression is a blessing. It’s the only thing that is my own. Being who I am, genuinely, authentically, enthusiastically, is my goal in life. I’m done trying to stifle myself. I’ve spent too much time trying to not be me. Trying to be a different version of me. Trying to live up to imaginary expectations from little petty people, to ghosts of my past. F.T.S.

I have a few different topics I could write about. I haven’t gathered notes or anything. What I’m doing right now is just trying to get 1,000 stinkin’ words out and onto this blog. Free association blogging isn’t much like me, but the bottom line is, it’s once again priming the pump. Snapshots in time. Things change so quickly. What I’m chewing on mentally changes a lot from day to day. But then again, I find some things I’ve been ruminating over for years. So what themes recur?

Physical health / fitness / etc. The biggest thing that’s changed lately in that area is me finally taking baby steps in the area of DIY Lundie. I’ve always admired the “It’s not a diet, it’s my life” blogger gal, who has since discontinued the blog and gone on to live her life. She finally got tired of the “fame” that came with losing a lot of weight. Today it dawned on me that I’ve been trying to do/be that for years. I would say at least 15 years if not more. I remember blogging before blogging was easy (self coded and uploaded HTML pages) when I worked at Andersen and even then I was trying to track everything I did so that other people would be able to follow my path to success. Ugh. I think that comes from the programming to be a “witness”. I’ve spent so much of my precious time worrying about how to “scale” and turn life into a “process” and write some sort of manual about how to succeed. No more.

There are some heaving hitting topics floating around my skull lately. Current events seem to be ramping up in intensity. I don’t know if it just seems this way because I’m getting old enough now to realize that the “grown ups” aren’t really running the world very well, and that maybe, just maybe, they’re actually fucking it up pretty badly. Then I realize “they” aren’t really a cohesive “they” as I expected as a kid. Now I’m solidly a part of the grown up life and guess what? I do not magically have all the answers. What the hell is that all about?

So, the topics I’m currently watching / learning / reading / evaluating / thinking about:

  • Race inequality – Listening to a lot of smart and honest people on Twitter. Learning a lot. Trying to piece together what it looks like to be a white ally. I don’t have any answers. There’s a lot to fix. I’m just going to continue to listen for a while before I feel I can speak.
  • Gay marriage – Cheering the supreme court. I have a lot of frustration with those who seem unable to realize this is entirely a civil / legal issue. I have a lot more words and quotes and stuff, so that may become a blog post down the road.
  • Presidential primaries – No surprise, I’m leaning liberal, but a moderate GOP member wouldn’t be out of the question. Unfortunately, so many of them are loons. Trump. ‘Nuff said. Stay tuned.
  • Christianity – Read an article that said we’re entering a Post-Christian era in our society. Never thought I would be a part of it. Finding that it suits me just fine. Until I’ve finished stripping away so much of my programming that lingers, and figure out what the “real Lundie” looks like, the topic of Christianity is on hold. I’m still watching and listening. I’m forming my own views. Thus far, they align less and less with what I understand Christianity to be, so it may not be in my near (or far) future. Unless some sort of evidence lands in my lap to convince me otherwise that is… ūüėČ
  • HSP (Highly Sensitive People) / Empathy – I know I’m an introvert. This is introvert adjacent stuff. Reading about it now. Absorbing it actually. Yes! I am an empath.
  • Fitness experimentation – What does it look like to have fun using this meat carcass in a healthy way? I can theorize about the “right” way to “get fit”. I can read books and blogs and follow fit people. But really, if I’m being me, I just have to figure this out by trial & error. I’m never going to do it until I own it and make it mine. Currently I’m dabbling in Yoga. Love it. Fits well with my enjoyment of meditation.

So, stay tuned. Hopefully I’ll get to brain dump here more often.

Five Minute Friday: Grow

Growth. I think it’s supposed to be a good thing. I know it’s supposed to. Fits along with change. A movement from something known to something different, unknown.

I know change is supposed to be good. And ultimately it is.

I have a 6yo who does nothing but grow. Watching him develop is a joy. I realize just how formative this time is. Stuff is new to his brain all the time. He’s a sponge. He is influenced what he absorbs. His environment matters.

And I guess that makes sense. Think about plants in the ravine by the side of the highway as opposed to plants in a perfectly tailored garden with nutrients, water, sunlight, and a restriction of chemicals. The plants grow based on their environment.

What is my environment? Am I doing what I can to ensure that I have the things I need to grow? Or do I behave in ways to try to stop growth? To stop change? Won’t that just mean I’ll grow deformed, not that I will stay as I am?

And what am I doing to ensure that my son’s (and husband’s) environment in the home has what it needs to feed their hearts? Am I light? Am I love?

I fear change, but I want growth. I have to place myself in the hands of the One who has the powers of the universe at his discretion and trust that I am cared for.

Here’s the scoop on the Five Minute Friday:

   The Rules:

  1. Write for 5 minutes flat ‚Äď no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
  2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
  3. Go a little overboard encouraging the writer who linked up before you.
Today’s Topic: Grow

Five Minute Friday: Ordinary

My biggest fear is ordinary.  But on the other hand I want to pretend that I AM ordinary so I fall under the radar.  I want to secretly feel extraordinary.  Like a priceless gem wrapped in an unassuming package.

But what I fear is that the package IS me. ¬†This 40 year old, overweight, tired, overwhelmed woman really IS who and what I am. ¬†All I’m capable of being. ¬†The sum total of me.

But in this strange dichotomy of fearing “the radar” I prevent myself from taking risks that would lift me out of ordinary, while dreaming of a time when I’m amazing.

What is ordinary anyway? ¬†Isn’t it different for everyone? ¬†I’m not sure I even know what it means. ¬†Normal. ¬†Commonplace. ¬†There is no “normal”. ¬†I remember reading somewhere that something like ¬†80% of Americans think of themselves as an “average American”.

So, is “ordinary” a matter of perspective. ¬†A matter of judgement. ¬†Maybe today my reality IS that my ordinary life can equally be extraordinary. ¬†There’s no one who does “Lundie” quite like me.

ETA: This USED to be my Five Minute Friday post on Rest from a month or two ago. ¬†Somehow my creation of a new post overwrote that one and now it is gone. ¬†Not happy, but nothing I can do but move on… ¬†(So – sorry about the missing post if THAT one is what you were looking for)

New to the Five Minute Friday stuff (like me)? Here’s the scoop:

   The Rules:

  1. Write for 5 minutes flat ‚Äď no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
  2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
  3. Go a little overboard encouraging the writer who linked up before you.
Today’s Topic: Ordinary